Sometimes it Hurts

Too Soon

The Mother cries

For the life She had to take

For the hearts She had to break

Not because it was his time

Not because it was our time

But because it was Her time

So gently She weeps

As the tears roll down our cheeks.

Blood Tells

I am not a mother

Yet I am their Mom, their grandma and

I was his Great Grandmother

We only met twice,

Yet he was my baby

Blood is not the only connection

Family is of the soul

He will be missed

Another piece of my heart  taken early

Dad

My heart hurts.

My stomach turns.

My tears fall.

I miss you.

You were my rock.

You were our shelter.

You are Dad…

And you are gone.

I remember

And I weep

I ache

And I burn.

I know you walk beside me.

I wish I could feel your hug.

You would love him too.

It’s what makes me so very sad.

Tomorrow is forever

Today will go away

The past is a fading memory.

Stay in my heart

Know my dreams

See my joys

Feel my sorrows.

Kiss my hurts

Heal my wounds

Patch the scrapes

I miss you

I love you

I need you

Father 

Poetry comes from a place deep inside me. Sometimes it hurts.  I cry while I write, but I still get it out.  Why?  Because sometimes it is supposed to hurt.  You don't get away with living life without pain. Sometimes life hurts.  There is nothing wrong with that. It is the way it is supposed to be. Sorrow is how we heal.  Let your life be a life.

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Pain, the Fourth "P"

I have insinuated on here several times about my illness and that I am "stuck" at home.  Let me clarify of what I speak.

1.  I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. While I am uncertain if that is what is the whole of what is going on, I am coming around to the fact that it is at least part of it.  Fibro means joint aches and pains and so much more. Today I am dealing with the fact that my skin hurts so bad the touching things (like the keys of a keyboard) sends pain to the receptors in my brain. Being stubborn doesn't help me here.

2. I have what are called complex, complicated migraines.  I have been suffering from migraines daily for a while now.  When combined with the above it means that the hair on my head hurts today.  Not like man I drank to much last night hurts; nope this is holy hell my hair is too heavy on my skin hurts. My life is a true joy of finding new ways to have migraine symptoms.  Seizures, parathesia, edema, blindness, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, tinnitus, nausea, vomiting, hot and cold flashes; the list goes on...and on...

3. All of the medications for the above have taken away my hunger.  I don't get hungry.  I just eat when I take my pills because that's what the doctor told me to do.  I like food, but I don't get hungry...and when I do eat sometimes it doesn't taste the same way...

4.  Prior to my doctor telling me to eat when I took my pills I had lost 20 pounds because I wasn't eating at all unless it was put in front of me.

5. Since then they said that I have gained 40 pounds.

6.  That was only a couple of months ago, so I went in for an ultrasound of my liver and another MRI of my brain.

7. Oh yeah I have a brain tumor.  It's benign they think.  It's the kind you get when you have had a migraine every day for almost a year.

8.  There are also 3 holes in my heart; but they haven't caused any of this, because my heart is completely healthy.

Five years ago I was in the best shape I had been in since I was an adult.  In the time since I have fought, and beaten, cancer and have dealt with what are honestly beginning to seem like the side effects from that.  They didn't give me chemo or radiation.  I had four, count them FOUR, surgeries in eight months.  I went out after three of them and worked, in one way or another, for at least a week.  The third was the only in patient surgery, but I have been told all four were major surgeries.  By the end of that year I was exhausted.  I have never been quite the same, I stopped working that same year, so neither have our finances.

We moved from Michigan to Illinois just over 2 years ago.  We rented a tractor trailer from a specialized company and packed/unpacked ourselves.  I did most of the packing by myself due to work commitments that Sar and Crimson had. Our things filled a 28' trailer. I had some amazing help at the end of our time in Michigan; but a significant portion was just me.  I had knee trouble when we got to Illinois so our friends here helped us unpack.  I haven't been myself since.  I have trouble carrying 15 pounds around the house. Standing and walking can be an issue.  I am now taking anti-depressants and anxiety medication because of where that kind of pain and debilitation took me.

Some days I can't get out of bed. Some days I can and then have to go back. I am never just fine. I do the things on this blog despite the pain. I want a little beauty in my life again so I am taking it. This isn't a story of someone triumphing over their disease.  This is the story of someone living at subsistence level with their disease.

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Life ain't easy

It isn't meant to be.

A quote:  The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things. ~Henry David Thoreau

Today I wrote this:

Living easy isn’t living

Going with the flow

From one day to the next

Means being just like everyone else

Life is hard

It is supposed to be

Easy Lessons are learned easily

The hard ones are supposed to hurt

So you can point at the scar

And say it was worth it.

Live life HARD and live life.

I am going to share a secret with you...for me it's last week. (cue shocked face and dramatic music)....bom bom bom bom....

I write these pieces at least one week in advance so that if it's a hard day or a hospital day I don't have to worry because you will be reading a blog!  My job in all seriousness has become this blog and creating things for it.

Some hard truths for me  have happened in the last 5 years.  Some of the best things in my life have happened in the last 5 years.

I have had cancer.  I survived cancer.

I met one amazing freaking woman.  I have been seriously ill for the almost three years since we met. ( I met the freaking amazing man in my life just over 5 years ago...so he is doomed to not make it here by a technicality).

I have had a migraine every day for the last 9 months, prior to that and now I have been dealing with unexplained body aches and pains that put me in the hospital twice last year.  I am slowly learning to take care of myself and rediscovering my arts.

The friends we moved closer to slowly drifted away, my husband was unable to visit the children we moved closer to because of our financial situation, and we have been dead broke almost from day one of our move.  We moved out of Michigan.

We are going to be doing the most difficult thing, due to our finances, that I can think of (including those things above).  I get to do something I have wanted to do pretty much since I can remember.

So what is that last thing?  I finally get to live in the Southwest!  Sar got a transfer with the VA and we are moving to Tucson! Whoot, Whoot!  Sadly, we aren't doing this for kicks and giggles; but for my health.  The weather is much better for me there and Crimson can get her DMA there as well.  It's win/win/win.

The only lesson you learn from an easy life is...yeah nope.

Everyone has a story, thus everyone lives a hard life.  Your definition of hard only applies to you.  My life has sucked for my health and finances.  My life has been utterly amazing in the way of my closest relationships and artistry.  The glass is only half of anything if you don't freaking drink it.  Drink up! Make the most of what you are given and give the most you can!

I gave you a poem and a quote!  That is a MWF "P" with some sage advice.  Love what I am doing and want to see more?  I am now on Patreon.